Thursday, January 8, 2015

With Kindness

If you see my face
I promise to smile
No matter how I feel
I'll act like I'm running a mile

Running ever so fast
Enjoying every breath
Like usual you will take it easy
You will just rest

You see I am quick to be kind
I find it hard not to
Shoving our problems in your face
That's just not what I do

I won't scream at you
I refuse to make a scene
I won't have this on display
It's not for the world to see

So I will keep being kind
I may bring you a treat
I'll message you about your day
Even though you never message me

In private we can talk
I'll try to explain
Explain why lately
You've been making me feel this way

All the while I'll try to get across
That we can be us again
I'll pay most costs
To see our friendship in repair

As usual you will apologize
You say you will change
You say "I understand"
And "Sorry for treating you this way."

But then a week past
Or maybe even two
I don't see a change
I debate what to do

I continue to be kind
I stop trying to talk
Talking hasn't solved our problems
My efforts have come to naught

I keep trying
But then try less
And as time flows
I see us digress

I keep being kind
Cause that's natural for me to do
But in my mind
I'm pulling away from you

I don't show it on the outside
And you don't see or know
As usually I am there
When say you need me

So you think it is over
That the problem is solved
But you still neglect me
Only you have it all

When I need, you aren't there
But I'm used to that now
I still care for you when your down
I still come around

But one day
When I'm mentally gone
I will run away
Leaving you with no clue of where I've run

You won't see it coming
See I care for all
So you didn't see when I stopped
When I admitted our change

When I started talking to a stranger who would call
That stranger being you
So now I have left
And you wonder why

Sadly I stopped feeling the need to explain our troubles to you
Goodbye


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Friendship Rehab

I want to make a statement
But I don't know if I want you to hear

I want to scream it from my heart
When you hear it I want to see tears

Yet I am afraid
Encased in my own fear

Afraid of your reaction to what you hear

Though I want you to cry
I'm afraid you will smile

I want you to beg that I stay
But you may agree to the statements I make

I want you to hold onto me tightly
As I struggle to go away

Afraid you won't see my value while you walk away

So instead I remain silent
I stare with affection in my eyes

I've become so used to pretending
You can't see that my heart cries

You throw a look my way
I contemplate the expression you make

Then I think get up and go as my actions don't betray my thoughts

The time between our earnest smiles
Grow every day

But every hug we share
Makes it harder to walk away

I feel that we are dead
But I can't bury this friendship today

Lets try another way for us to work on the morrow cause it will be a new day

But the morrow never comes
So it all remains the same

Then the next time I see you
Despite that I'm afraid

I can't help but think
That I need to walk away

But my fear is great and I'm small when I compare

I can't seem to overcome
This overpowering fear

I show my confidence on the surface
I lay in a fetal position inside

I am just waiting for the day
When you walk out of my life

I'm afraid to jump first so maybe you will instead

But then I think
What is going on in your head

You are smart enough
to know our friendship is dead

Yet you hold on
whenever we reach that last thread

So maybe as I write my sorrows today your are writing yours in another way

Sunday, December 28, 2014

A new world

I'm all on my own
In a place that is strange
All the rules I once knew
Have suddenly changed

There are all these expectations
Things they want me to be
All these things they say I should do
But i never know which ones in truth

I was told to give a gift
But when the time came
They kept saying no
As a formality they say

I never know when i should stand
Or when I should sit
And all the bowing
I can't get the hang of it

And these weird little sticks
They drive me insane
If I keep depending on them
I may starve in exchange

The cars come so suddenly
There is nowhere to walk
I just wish that near my house
There was a side walk

And when the bus comes
They just push me aside
One thing this culture hasn't heard of
Is obviously a line

And one thing i can't get used to
Is all of the stares
All I keep hearing is
"Look at the foreigner over there"

I didn't want to talk of cabs
But now I'm on a rant
Stop hitting on me
I'm really tired of it

And a shout out for my friend
If you all don't know
Stop asking if she's Russian
Here that means a hoe

And if they say your glamorous
Don't be quick to smile
He's not looking at your eyes
He's looking down

But there are many things
You still don't know
It isn't all bad
At least I don't think so

Here there is always a helping hand
When one is in need
They tell me how things work
Even the simply things

And that gift I gave
It did not cost much
But the appreciation they showed
My heart was touched

Though I may not know when to bow
They always go that extra mile
And often accept
A knowing nodding smile

And I've had a revelation
About these little sticks
They are quite useful
I've got the hang of it

And there are no sidewalks
This is very true
But it makes it so there is more room
For places you can go to

And when getting on the bus
They may push their way through
But if I'm asleep at my stop
They'll give me a little shove too

And they may say foreigner as I walk by
But it is out of curiosity
And they take the time
To see how I'm doing in this new country of mine

And when I get cabs
They often try to talk
I've had drivers teach me helpful words
Like right, left and stop

And they may ask if she's Russian
But they won't push the topic
Usually they are pretty kind
And apologize when they stop it

Glamorous I may be
And yes some guys stare
But most guys are really respectful
And keep their eyes away from there

In all honestly
I like my new home
Its definitely not the same
But that's what I'm here for

The places are really interesting
The people are really kind
I can even walk down the street
Without a worry late at night

I'm not saying its perfect
It has its flaws
But in the end it isn't a bad place to be
I like it overall



My scars

Life has many faults that the human eyes perceive
Things don't works the way we believe
We constantly stumble
Sometimes we fall
Then we recover only to fail

We try to escape it
No one wants to stumble, fall,or fail
We look at our choices
Life gave two
We either get some bruises
Or we can simply stand still

But I don't want to just stand
I want to walk, run and fly through the sky
Even if I fail and my fall makes me die
At least I know that a fell from a great height
I stumbled from the top
I earned every bruise
And I'll wear them with pride

Cause when we fall we learn to stand
When we stumble we learn to balance
When we fail we learn to succeed
I wish to continue to stumble, fall and fail
Until I achieve these skills
And use them to fly away to the life my eyes perceive

Buzzed

I used to think with my mind
I never fell in love
All those feeling people spoke of
Sounded like being buzzed

I didn't want to change
I liked how I thought
I never felt trapped
I never felt lost

Then I met a stranger
I could no longer think
All my rules changed
No longer applying to me

All of a sudden I was blind
Blinded from my thoughts
Distracted by my heart
Trapped in my fault

I was buzzed



Sunday, February 9, 2014

Dark Hearts

I felt its presence as it slithered near
But I was blinded
Too afraid to admit fear

I approached it as a friend
And showed a brave face
But I knew what was coming before the first taste

I could say I was tricked
I can scream deceit
But in the end the only trickster was me

For my own sanity I was dishonest with myself
It blatantly showed its ferocity 
Even as I knelt 

The fangs pressed against skin
It gave quickly to my new friend
Then the venom began to drip within

It moved far but took no time
Straight to the heart 
A heart that was once mine

I felt it turn from red to black
Between spasms it withered
Leaving large gaps

Once so strong 
It could now easily crumble
Suddenly I felt weak and humble

As I ran from my new fate
I decided to hide my heart
To keep it hidden in a dark place

Protecting it from all
As those who have felt the venom must
Just to keep it from crumbling into dust

Friday, January 17, 2014

70

She pulled a cake from the fridge
It said happy birthday to the husband she loved
She placed it onto the table admiring her handy work

He liked the color red and the flavor of vanilla
She went to a drawer and found the perfect candles
The thin stripped candles that were red all over

Slowly she opened the pack
And sat at the table across from an empty chair 
Placing each candle precisely

A slow task it was to place thirty candles
Her hands shook uncontrollable 
She noted this was common for old age

She then lit the candles one by one
She sat and stared, never averting her gaze
The candles began to melt

As they melted, they waited
For the wind that would never come to blow them out
They melted into puddles

The puddles covered the cake
Every inch of vanilla frosting covered in a deep red
Covered until the red words could no longer be seen

Finally the candles went out
Smothered by their own wax
The wax hardening across the icing

She wondered who would light the candles when she was gone
Who would remember his name 
Who would remember what he loved

Thirty years had gone by 
Since the day people began to forget who he was
And she knew that one day soon he would be lost to history